Destroy All Children

Sony has already come out ahead of E3 and admitted that their first party lineup leaves a lot to be desired. Will they throw us all for a curveball and announce some major titles? What of Last Guardian, will we see more of it or is it finally dead for good? Will we finally get a remake of Final Fantasy VII?? What about the vita games!?

Let’s face it, it’s going to be two hours of Uncharted 4, and everybody will love it.

The first game announcement is teased as something that has been long expected, and the crowd is losing its shit.

Yes, The Last Guardian is alive and well, and this time we’re actually getting some gameplay. The demo starts with your big dog-bird friend jumping over a chasm and nearly falling as it lands on some unstable wood platforms. A grim reminder that this thing is probably going to die at the end.

The demo has a lot of crumbling platforms, but what’s cool about it is how individual planks of wood and bricks come loose and crumble apart. The gameplay shown seems fairly linear, and is mostly platforming based. There is no firm date, but The Last Guardian is teased as being a 2016 release.

Hermen Hulst is here now to announce an all new game, but I really wouldn’t mind if the entire conference was dedicated to The Last Guardian.

Horizon: Zero Dawn seems to be set in some bizarre post-apocalypse where animals are robots and humans have reverted to living in tribes. You fight a mecha T-rex with a bow and it’s rad as all hell. It appears to be a hunting game, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a lot of action adventure elements like in Tomb Raider.

Hey motherfuckers, I heard you like Hitman. So here’s a new Hitman. Which is just titled Hitman.

The game is aiming for a digital first release, with the game launching on PS4 and PC. A console exclusive beta on the way. No gameplay was shown.

Yes, Street Fighter V is also PS4 and PC exclusive. It looks a lot like Street FIghter. That is all. NEXT GAME, KEEP THIS SHIT MOVING.

Hello, Hello Games. It wouldn’t be a Sony press conference without No Man’s Sky. Rather than show us a big montage of the various planets you could potentially visit, we’re getting a demo of space combat.

There are billions of billions of stars in video game space. There are planet sized planets in space. What if we’re all actually in someone else’s No Man Sky? WHOAAAAAAAAAA

The demo continues as we arrive on a undiscovered planet, and we’re assured that if something goes wrong, it’s because this is the first time the developer has explored this planet.

Sean Murray proceeds to blow Planet E3 up, assuring us that if we want to be massive dickholes, every planet is completely destructible. [At least the structures on it are — he didn’t explode the entire planet like a flannel-clad Death Star. — Ed.]

Hey it’s everybody’s favorite Moby impersonator, Alex Evans, here to tell you about his “dreamaverse.” In Media Molecule’s new game you can wave your controller around to create dreams, or perhaps it’s more accurate to say nightmares, because jesus christ look at this shit:

It’s time for Firewatch, a game that lets you hold turtles and attack the forest with your axe. But uh oh, somebody is in your watch tower! Spooky.

Adam Boyes is here now, and he’s talking about Destiny. The audience gives a nice staggered cheer as if they are debating whether or not they should continue giving a shit about Destiny.

Yep, that’s right, more Destiny. The trailer encourages everyone to “experience the next great adventure in Destiny” but I think I’ll pass.

Destiny: The Taken King, launches on 9-15-15.

Time for more games I don’t care about: Assassin’s Creed. In Assassin’s Creed: Syndicate, you can take control of Evie Fry, who has a cane sword. Ok that’s it, bye-bye.

Final Fantasy time. An no, it’s not XV. In fact I’m not sure what this is. It’s some real chibi shit. World of Final Fantasy is what it’s called, and it’ll be out on Playstation Vita. You’ll be able to play as characters from old Final Fantasy games, or one of two newcomers, similar to Final Fantasy Record Keeper. Well that’s all the Final Fantasy for one conference.

Wait what?

Oh, hi Final Fantasy VII: Remake.

That’s right, after being massive teases way way way back at the premier of the PS3, Sony and Square are finally caving and going ahead with that Final Fantasy VII remake everybody has been demanding. It will launch “first” on PS4, which is maybe the most interesting thing about it. The aesthetic of the game seems to have changed considerably as well, with Shin-ra soldiers and locations looking more modern. It’s grounded, I guess is what I’m saying.

Good God. Not intent to let a fucking FFVII remake be the show stopper, Sony has gone ahead and announced Shenmue III. The game is seeking crowdfunding via Kickstarter, but there’s already something to show for it, so it’s definitely being worked on. And let’s face it, there’s no way it doesn’t get funded.

Here’s a reminder that Arkham Knight is coming out next week. And what better way to celebrate than by watching the Joker get immolated. The trailer then cuts to the Arkham Knight logo and assures us that Batman is going to die.

Also there’s zombies, OH NO!

Arkham Knight will have exclusive Scarecrow missions on the PS4.

Up next: Project Morpheus, and  Playstation Vue, which is a new TV service that will offer ala carte channels, with discounted rates for PS+ subscribers. That’s basically all I’ve wanted from a TV service package, just let me grab the channels I want.

Call of Duty: Black Ops III just got announced, which means finally, for a brief moment, I can zone out a little during this conference. Maybe wrap my mind around everything else that got announced.

[BlOps 3 was actually announced a while ago, but for some reason Andrew House acted like this was a big reveal, so George, who is a rational human and doesn’t follow COD news, was unaware of this. — Ed.]

In BlOps 3 you have a robot arm. You run around and shoot people with future guns, and it has multiplayer. We’re assured it feels “unlike any Call of Duty” but it sure does look like a Call of Duty.

Actually, as this multiplayer trailer goes on, it looks a lot more like Titanfall, with a lot of wall running and double jumping. Gameplay feels pretty fast and frantic and looks fun enough. Your robo-arm can also unfold into a gatling gun.

Sony has also locked down timed exclusivity on map packs for the Call of Duty franchise.

Johnny V strides onto the stage, so destruction is imminent. Namely the destruction of Larry Davis’s wallet, as his crippling addition to Disney Infinity comes to a head with Star Wars figures. The Disney Infinity Star Wars starter pack is exclusive to the PS4.

[This is a specific starter pack with Original Trilogy stuff and a Boba Fett figure. It’s similar to what they did with the special Avengers bundle for 2.0. However, it still includes prequel garbage so my wallet is intact until Black Friday, most likely. — Ed.]

Battlefront is making another appearance. You can square off with classic characters such as “Luke Skywater” and Darth Vader.

Unlike the EA gameplay demo, this one takes place on one of the two desert planets in the Star Wars universe.

Willhelm scream also confirmed for Battlefront, though that makes a lot of sense because it’s also in every Star Wars movie. The attention to detail is impressive.

Sony is closing the conference out on a frozen “Only on PlayStation” logo.

Odd choice of a game to go out on. They’re giving us a look at an indie title called Uncharted 4: Drake Dies At The End.

Nate is now standing still for in inappropriate amount of time. I think something is wrong with the demo. But I will say this, the game looks gorgeous.

Fade to black, and the demo starts over again. I might be wrong but I think this is two for two that an Uncharted demo shat itself on stage.

The demo for Uncharted 4 was cool, here’s hoping it isn’t a disaster like 3 was.

And that’s the Sony conference, and man, what a conference it was.

Overall: Sony’s had some staggering announcements this year with a Final Fantasy VII remake, Shenmue 3, and Last Guardian returning for the first time in years. The drawback is that FFVII and Shenmue have only been teased, so odds are we’ll see neither of them on shelves anytime soon, and frankly I’m still holding my breath on The Last Guardian. There’s a new Hitman game coming soon too, and while we don’t know much, I’m always interested in the prospect of more Hitmaning.

The Playstation Vue ala carte service is very intriguing,  and Horizon looks terrific. When it actually worked, the Uncharted 4 demo looked really nice, but on the other hand, nothing in the demo was especially new or unique enough to set it apart from its predecessors. Morpheus was also barely touched on at all, besides them saying it exists. It certainly doesn’t bode well, and makes it feel that Morpheus is still in a developmental state, and like FFVII and Shenmue, quite a ways off.

Sony’s strength in the short term is their timed exclusives, and the good will they can ride on from their more surprising announcements. However, it doesn’t solve the problem Sony is facing with the Playstation 4, as their first party line-up is still incredibly weak.

While it may not be positive to the core, I still waked away from Sony’s conference feeling better about having bought a PS4 than when I went into it. There’s no announcement as to whether or not they’ll host another PSX, but if they do I think it will be imperative to have a more solid first party selection of games lined up, and it wouldn’t hurt to have something more substantial to show for FFVII, Shenmue, and Last Guardian.

Games to look out for: The Last Guardian, Final Fantasy VII Remake, Shenmue III, No Man’s Sky, Horizon