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E3 is here, baby. If you thought the festivities began with EA and Bethesda, then you’re fucking WRONG. That was all just a prelude to the real shit. Microsoft’s conference is starting in just a handful of minutes (assuming it doesn’t start late), and we’ll be here to give you all the hot scoops as they happen.

 

Conference opening right up on a trailer for that leaked Xbox One S. The S will be 40% smaller than the core Xbox One, features 4k video, and will launch at 300$. Looks like a pretty good deal.

gears

Gears 4 will be part of Microsoft’s Play Anywhere program, meaning when you buy the game you’ll get it on PC as well. Every mode will also feature cross play, including co-op.

A short gameplay demo was shown, but honestly, it’s just more Gears, there’s really nothing new beyond a gun that reminds me a lot of the line launcher from Dead Space.

There's also a new Elite controller coming out to commemorate the game, if dumb looking controllers are your thing.

There’s also a new Elite controller coming out to commemorate the game, if dumb looking controllers are your thing.

And if that wasn’t enough Gears for you, General Raam will be coming to Killer Instinct this week.

Ralph Fulton came out and welcomed us all to Australia. E3 is in California, you dingus.

Haha just kidding, he’s here to talk about Forza Horizon 3, with the help of some sad sack who invested way too damn much money into racing peripherals.

Look at this fuckin nerd.

Look at this fuckin nerd.

One of the players in this demo is driving an “airborne jeep” which is just a jeep strapped to a helicopter all flying around like “fuck you, assholes!” Forza will be coming out December 27th for Xbox One and Windows 10.

A new trailer for Recore was shown, a game that looks deceptively good for something coming out of Comcept, the studio behind notable shitpile Mighty No.9. It seems like Recore is what they’re putting all their effort into, but only time (and numerous delays, I’m sure) will tell.

And now it’s time for some Final Fantasy XV.

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This might actually be the worst stage demo I’ve seen for this game, and it’s hands down the worst out of any demo at E3 so far. Noctis and company are trying to cut off the arm of a titan, a massive boss that can’t seem to be captured on screen all at once. It sounds like it’d make for a really intimidating fight, but… he just kinda sweeps his arm back and forth across the arena and that’s it. Noctis comes pretty close to biting it a few times inbetween bouts of ineffectually smacking the boss’s hand. Eventually, the player whittles down the Titan’s HP enough that he triggers a short cutscene of Noctis’s party freezing the boss’s arm, which then rolls right into a prompt to hit the B button to finish it off. How dynamic.

It’s a good thing for Square that Persona 5 won’t release stateside until early 2017.

More content is coming to The Division. Not coming to The Division: balancing and exploit patches to make it fucking playable.

Microsoft will continue to expand on Xbox One features by adding background music options so you can play your favorite songs during any game, and the option to change your console’s language. Finally, now I can have an Italian Xbox, but I’m not Italian at all!

Xbox: Bing: Spaghetti and meatballs.

You can also create clubs, a feature that has been available on Steam and PS4 for quite a while. An “Arena” feature was also announced, though the details on it are kind of nebulous.

servers

 

Surprise John Carmack appearance, motherfuckers! He’s digitized himself and has invaded your Minecraft realm! I hope the Creeps don’t get him, when you die in VR you die in real life.

It’s time for the Indie cavalcade. Your yearly montage of smaller budget games to show that Microsoft Cares™. I don’t think anybody told John Carmack that Minecraft is over, he’s still sitting there plugged in.

Heeyyyyy good news if you bought Ark on Xbox One you’ll get it on PC, ohhhhh boyyy, it’s Ark, everybody, ARK!

Next up is We Happy Few. I don’t know much about this game. A guy looks at a newspaper clipping, forces himself to not take medication, and then breaks down after having some kind of existential crisis. Looks fun!

Everyone is standing around hitting a pinata, but given how eerie this trailer has been, I bet when you smack it, it bursts open and blood sprays out and there’s like a dead animal inside.

ahahahah son of a bitch

ahahahah son of a bitch

And now a game from a “very independent developer.” Cut to a guy who looks EXACTLY like Nick Smith cosplaying as a knight. Could it be? Is Platform Masters coming to Xbox One?

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No, turns out that’s not Nick Smith, this is just an ad for a stand alone version of Gwent. That’s cool, but you can’t bring me up like that just to cap me at the knees, Microsoft.

If, like most of us, Gwent is all you live for, you can register for the beta now.

Street Fighter x Tekken is being shown, with Akuma vs. Heihachi. I didn’t know how badly I needed this until now. Just two old dudes shouting in Japanese and punching the shit out of each other. My money is on Akuma. If Saltybet has taught me anything, it’s a safe bet.

Katsuhiro Harada, everybody

Katsuhiro Harada, everybody

It’s snowing in the auditorium! Is this the result of John Carmack merging with the digital plain, distorting our own reality? Or has Harada activated his sinister weather device?

No, it’s the reveal for Dead Rising 4, which will take place during christmas time and will once again be set in a mall. DR4 will be coming out November 2016.

 

“Killer Instinct.”
“WOO!”

Uh oh, I think someone let that chick from the Bethesda conference in here.

 

Aw shit, son. Scalebound! Kamiya is here to show us “the biggest boss fight Platinum Games has ever made” and to block us all on Twitter.

Ok here it is, the biggest of all time.

Ok here it is, the biggest of all time.

So far, Scalebound looks like a very Platinum Studios take on Monster Hunter, which is everything I could possibly want from this. I’m cautiously optimistic for now.

Scalebound will, like basically all the games shown thus far, be coming to both Xbox One and Windows 10. I might have missed it, but I don’t think they announced if it would feature crossplay.

 

Sea of Thieves is Rare’s new pirate game, their “most ambitious game yet.” I’m not entirely sure if that’s true in the grand scheme of things, but from this iteration of the studio, who have until now mostly pumped out absolute garbage for the Kinect, it certainly must be.

I know nothing about this game other than people sure seem to love screaming over it.

I know nothing about this game other than people sure seem to love screaming over it.

It’s not enough to have one zombie game at this conference, so here’s a State of Decay 2 trailer. Of Course, this is followed up by a trailer for Halo Wars 2, keeping the tradition of Halo trailers being really awesome, and – more likely than not – way better than the final product ever could be. Halo Wars 2 will launch Feb 2017, with a week long beta starting on Xbox One right now.

Phil Spencer is back on stage, and it’s time for the biggest announcement of the evening: Playstation 4 Neo!

Wait, no. Project Scorpio, Microsoft’s answer to the Neo, which will be geared towards 4k and VR. Here to talk about Xbox VR is John Carmack’s husk.

“These are the highest quality pixels you’ve ever seen.”
“The highest res.”

Phil assures us that with 6 teraflops of power, it will be the most powerful console on the market. Games and products will work between all THREE versions of the Xbox One (the S counts.) However, until the Neo is shown off in full, and specs are released by Sony directly, I’ll rerserve judgement on which is the ~most powerful~. As if that truly matters to begin with, because in the end it boils down to whether or not there’s anything worth playing.

I think Microsoft knows they’ve lagged behind in almost every conceivable way. Their hardware isn’t where it needs to be, they’ve been lacking key features, and they’ve been struggling to find a real hook for their console ever since the massive negative reaction they were met with when leaning in on the TV thing. S looks like a good stop gap, and Scorpio looks to be Microsoft’s solution, but time will tell how it will all pan out.

Coming up in a couple hours is Ubisoft. I’m sure that’ll be a real banger. Join us for more live coverage, and watch as I sink even deeper into the abyss.

Rumors have been going around for the last week that a new Berserk game in the style of Dynasty Warrior might be on its way. Looks like those rumors have turned out to be true. A Berserk musou is happening, although for now all we have is a trailer that gets dangerously close to just being tentacle porn.

The timing is pretty good considering the manga resumes publication later this month, and a new anime will be hitting Japanese TV and Crunchyroll on July 1st.

Not a fan of Bethesda's new logo.

Not a fan of Bethesda’s new logo.

Besides absolutely killed it with DOOM, although the lion’s share of that game’s success is owed to Id. Beyond that, it’s no secret that I’m not exactly the biggest fan of Bethesda. Will they be able to pull out something that actually gets me excited by the end of their conference? Join me and find out. This is your E3 2016 Bethesda media briefing live blog assfuck jamboree.

 

AW SHIT, Quake is back.

Quake Champions is a arena style FPS for the PC. They’re going out of their way to impress that the game will move fast, have an unlocked framerate, and will look crazy good. Consider how great DOOM was, bringing Quake back is the exact right thing to do, and a hell of a good way to start the show. It’s all down hill from here, I’m sure.

Ooh, we got unlocked FPS, ooh we got badass characters. You're gonna love my game.

Ooh, we got unlocked FPS, ooh we got badass characters. You’re gonna love my game.

 

Rolling right into Elder Scrolls Legends, so, great. To be fair, following up Quake Legends wasn’t going to be easy. And then the stream crashed, completely. So I think even it didn’t have any patience for this wanna be Hearthstone bullshit.

This dude has a sick talking owl, though.

This dude has a sick talking owl, though.

Legends will be coming to ipad, Mac, phones, and basically everything else later this year.

 

Bethesda will be doubling down on Fallout 4‘s shittiest content by offering such hot new base building mechanics like elevators, and conveyor belts. Wowee. Ohhhh boy. You can make tracks and build your own dumbass Rube Goldberg machine. And if that’s not enough to satisfy you, you can now build your own vault.

Oh and that remaster of Skyrim everyone totally knew was happening is happening. The remaster will include improvements to lighting, shaders, depth of field, and will have mod support on console. Essentially everything that was rumored to be in the update. It does look pretty good, but under that shiny new surface, it’s still the same Skyrim. Whether or not that’s worth the investment is up to you.

Skrimmmmm!

Skrimmmmm!

 

Good news everyone, the press sneak fucks couldn’t stop Prey 2 from becoming a thing. Well, ok, maybe a little bit. Prey looks to be getting the reboot treatment, so while it’s not Prey 2 exactly, it’s still a new Prey.

I pray it won't get delayed. Get it? Cause it's Prey. Rate this joke on a scale of 1-10, send your response to customercare@destroyallchildren.com

I pray it won’t get delayed. Get it? Cause it’s Prey. Rate this joke on a scale of 1-10, send your response to customercare@destroyallchildren.com

DOOM‘s first level will be free for everybody for this week only on all systems, so go download that, cause DOOM is such a good game. It’ssuchagood game. They’re saying it harkens back to DOOM’s shareware days, even though it’s really… just a timed demo, but whatever. DOOM will also get a few new maps and an additional demon for multiplayer mode, but nobody in their right mind cares about that. Not even me, and I kinda like DOOM’s multiplayer.

Matt Thyroid is here to tell everyone about how great The Elder Scrolls Online is doing, so if you don’t mind I’m going to go get something to eat.

“As you can see, the community loves playing Elder Scrolls Online”

“Hell yeah” yells some girl who is OBVIOUSLY A MARK.

A Dark Brotherhood expansion will be coming to The Elder Scrolls Online. The same woman from before is losing her motherfucking mind about this video game.

“All content barriers are gone.”
“WHAAAAAAT???”

This woman.

But, yes, as soon as you leave the tutorial you’ll now be able to go anywhere. That’s probably very neat for people who care about this game, like this psychopath in the audience.

 

Blink 182 will also be dropping their new album after the show and putting on a little performance. Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb are here, and I think I might have slipped into a time hole to 2002.

 

Bethesda will be offering VR support for both DOOM and Fallout 4, I am excited for exactly one of those. If the promise of VR is playing DOOM in VR, then I’m on fucking board. Now let’s catch up with Adam and Morgan.

sess

 

Dishonored 2, which we’re now getting to see quite a bit more gameplay of, looks pretty great.

dishonored

There’s a lot going on here, but the gameplay demo will likely be up on youtube within a couple hours of the conference ending. Rather than drone out all the details, we’ll post gameplay footage once it’s available.

Dishonored 2 will have a limited edition that comes with a replica of Corvo’s mask. If you pre-order the game now you can also get a free copy of the original game with all the DLC.

 

And that’s the Bethesda conference. Overall, prettyyy prettyyyy prettyyyyyy good, a clear leap ahead of last year’s show. Granted, last year was almost entirely Fallout 4, which does nothing for me. But throwing out some hot Dishonored gameplay, rebooting Prey, announcing a new Quake, and announcing that DOOM will get VR support are all be pluses.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more live blogging. It’s Sony and Microsoft’s turn to show off what they’ve got, and Ubisoft will surely have a total fucking disaster on their hands like they do every year. So stay tuned, because tomorrow is when E3 truly begins.

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Telltale has released a few screenshots of their upcoming Batman game, along with information on the game’s cast.

Troy Baker will be taking on the role of Batman/Bruce Wayne, alongside Laura Bailey as Catwoman/Selina Kyle, Travis Willingham as Harvey Dent, Erin Yvette as Vicki Vale, Enn Reitel as Alfred, Murphey Guyer as James Gordon, and Richard McGonagle as Carmine Falcone.

That cast is oddly similar to Year One, though there’s no confirmation on whether not Telltale’s take on Batman will pull any influence from Frank Miller’s story. They do however seem to be talking up the fractured nature of Bruce’s psyche, and that players can choose to go through some sections of the game as either Bruce Wayne or Batman.

What will EA’s annual masturbatory disaster have in store for us this year? Let’s find out! This post will be updated as Things Happen.

Expected games: Titanfall 2, Mass Effect: Andromeda, some new stuff for Star Wars: The Old Republic, Battlefront 2, Battlefield 1, and maybe some fun surprises!

 

e32016_petermoore

People fuckin LOVE Peter Moore, they’re losing their shit for the Chief Competition Officer. He says almost nothing, then EA’s main android leader comes back on stage to talk about the best things in Battlefield 1, including “shovels”.

 

e3_2016_titanfall

Titanfall 2 looks FUCKIN AWESOME. Grappling hooks, robot kung-fu, teleportation, and a bunch of other rad shit. Trailer to be posted here later. Titanfall 2, or TF2, will also have a full campaign this time, if you’re into that.

 

Sports are happening. Esports are also happening.

There are some short snippets of Mass Effect: Andromeda, but nothing of substance. That thing is not anywhere near finished.

And now some Fifa stuff, which means time to go get a drink.

EA is announcing a new program that sounds suspiciously like EA Partners, focused on indie games like Unraveled. The new announcement is Fe, not to be confused with Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE.

JADE RAYMOND IS HERE! She’s introducing the Star Wars games, which means we might see the one from Visceral that she’s attached to.

mo-cap for Respawn's third-person action game

mo-cap for Respawn’s third-person action game

 

a short snippet of footage from Visceral's Star Wars game

a short snippet of footage from Visceral’s Star Wars game

 

some Battlefield-shilling chucklefuck talks while standing awkwardly next to Jamie Foxx and Zac Efron

some Battlefield-shilling chucklefuck talks while standing awkwardly next to Jamie Foxx and Zac Efron

Battlefield 1 looks really good, and that’s it! Pretty much nothing new or surprising! Thanks, EA! Join us later today for the Bethesda conference, where we’ll see more non-surprises such as a new Wolfenstein, The Evil Within 2, and Prey 2 (or whatever it’ll be called)!

Ed Boon has been teasing as something on Twitter over the last few days, having changed his avatar to the roman numeral for 2, strongly hinting at a sequel to Injustice: Gods Among Us. Or The Grid, depending on where your priorities are. Sure enough, a follow up to Injustice is in the works. It will have your Batmen, your Flashes, and Supermans, probably a Wonder Woman and a Harley Quinn too.

Not a whole lot is known about the game outside of what has been shown int he above trailer. Superheroes are going to beat each other up, you can count on at least that much, and maybe that’s all you really need.

It has been well known for a while that Watch_Dogs 2 was in the pipeline, but it looks like Ubisoft is going ahead and showing the game off prior to E3, which, while also not exactly a new trend, might be somewhat predicated by copious leaks. In any case, Gamespot were poised to be the first outlet to show the game off, and had their coverage preempted by Ubisoft just streaming out gameplay anyway.

Ubisoft promises that the game will have a different “vibe” than the first, relocating the game to the West Coast and putting you in control of a new main character who is decidedly not Aiden. The game seems to lean harder into hacker counter-culture, and ~internet culture~. You’ll also now be given the option to play the game strictly non-lethally, and are able to control a set of RC and airborne drones, complete with a requisite hoop flying minigame that I’m sure nobody asked for.

We’ll surely have more coverage of Watch_Dogs 2 as we near E3.

When it comes to pacing sequels, Scott shows even less self-restraint than Uibsoft and EA. Above is the first trailer for Five Nights At Freddy’s Sister Location. It looks like this time around you’ll actually be able to move around to some degree, though whether the movement animations are only there to depict you moving inbetween rooms to dodge monsters, or indicating something a lot more interactive than that, is kind of unclear. Each of the animatronics now seem to be girls now too. Sister location. Get it?

The game takes place underground too. Why not. At this rate, Five Nights at Freddy’s 6 really will take place in space.

The phrase “don’t hold it against me” keeps playing thorughout the trailer, and I’m sorry Scott, but I do. At this point, I really really do.

civ6

lookit that smug motherfucker, he’s all ready to build nukes and then bitch at you for walking too close to his cities

2K has announced Civilization VI, the newest numbered entry in the legendary 4X franchise. So what, exactly, does this game add to the previous game’s formula? I’m glad you asked! Here’s some stuff!

  • Although you don’t just stack tons of units onto one tile, a la Civ IV, you can now combine some units together. Some will also have special permutations unlocked by combining them.
  • Dynamic Diplomacy” apparently means that in the early game, you just throw rocks and feces at other civilizations you meet, later gaining the ability to parley in an honorable fashion. Of course, once you reach the early 21st century, you return to being xenophobic with the goal of “making Denmark great again”.
  • Everything else seemed to be a bunch of buzzwords with no actual new gameplay ramifications, such as “expansive empires”, “active research”, and “enhanced multiplayer”.

The game does still operate with hex tiles, as in Civ V and Beyond Earth, but the most pressing question (as evidenced by previous new Civ games) is not what they added, but what has been removed. In all likelihood, the game will not be worth buying until the first expansion is out — and maybe not until the second. That’s the precedent that’s been set, anyway.