Breaking: John Ubisoft found dead at his home. More as it becomes available.
The show is starting.
GET ME OFF THIS RIDE
Just Dance 2017. Coming to the… NX!? Well there you go, first third party game announced for Nintendo’s new console.
“You know when you see a dancing crab and a baby bird with a collar, you can only be at the Ubisoft press conference.”
You got that right, Aisha.
Aisha is taking a moment to express Ubisoft’s condolences for those affected by the shooting in Orlando, and man, this is maybe not the most classy way to go about that, all surrounded by giraffes and crab men.
“You remember this came from the end of last year’s conference where it fucking blew your mind,” Aisha is being really presumptuous about how impressive I thought Ghost Recon Wildlands was.
Think of all the watch towers you can climb.
The Ubisoft conference already seems to be run by people fucked out of their minds, so it feels appropriate that we’re getting a look at a game alllllll about drugs this early in the show.
Now for some gameplay, with scripted banter between players. You’d think they’d stop doing this because it’s fucking terrible, but nobody ever learns and here we all are in 2016 listening to it again.
Wildlands will be released March 7th, 2017, though I’d never put too much faith in E3 release windows.
Next up is South Park: The Fractured But Hole, a game I have virtually no interest in, but Matt and Trey’s bits are typically the most tolerable of Ubisoft’s conferences.
Trey Parker is also here to announce his pregnancy.
Trey is rambling something about getting a gay fish’s mom into heaven before backing down and going “if you didn’t see the Kanye thing you wouldn’t get it,” and boy. I take back what I said about the South Park bits being the most tolerable, this thing is rough.
The Fractured But Hole will come out December 6th.
Rolling right into some hot The Division updates after that overly long South Park demo. I never thought I’d look at the Division as a reprieve.
Coming to The Division is The Underground. There’s a new threat under the streets of New York city: CHUDS. As a Division agent you have to do what you do best, shoot indiscriminately. Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, and Rainbow Six outfits are coming to the game as well.
Players will also have to brave “some of the most extreme weather conditions” in the Survival expansion, and by “most extreme” they mean moderate snowfall. I have literally braved worse than this while shoveling driveways.
Palmer Lucky unjacked himself from the Matrix to come here and talk to everyone about Eagle Flight VR.
Eagle Flight VR is a team-based sports game playable through the perspective of an eagle. It has local co-op, assuming you can find up to five other weirdos who actually own a Rift.
Aisha is back out here talking about how Eagle Flight made her pee a little. Welcome to Pee3.
There’s a Star Trek VR game in the works too. Like basically every other Star Trek game, I can’t imagine it’ll be anything other than profoundly boring, but the cast of Star Trek’s past sure seem to be way into it.
Despite my reservations about another Star Trek game, Levar’s enthusiasm is infectious.
There’s a new trailer for For Honor, a neat looking game that I forgot was in the works. Jason Vandenberghe is back on stage. He’s not visibly armed this time, though he does have a cane that COULD be housing some sort of blade, or at the very least a flask of Wild Turkey.
There’s a stage demo going on for For Honor, and so far it’s the best showing thing Ubisoft has going. The animations in this thing are really slick, it looks great, and combat seems pretty interesting. For Honor launches Feb 14 2017, same day as Persona 5. Fucking choices.
Yes, there is a sequel to Grow Home coming out, it’s called Grow Up.
This is one way to announce Trials Blood Dragon
The President of Finland is here to announce Trials of the Blood Dragon.
Trials of the Blood Dragon will be released as soon as the conference ends… 30 minutes. Son of a bitch, no. NO! THATS TOO LONG! Not to get at the game, but to sit through more of this shit!
Assassin’s Creed movie time. KILL ME. MURDER ME!
Producer Frank Marshall is here to talk about the film, but I can’t help but wonder what it would look like if Garry Marshall were attached to the project.
Deadsec from Watch_Dogs 2 are hacking the conference. Unfortunately they aren’t ending it. That’s how you know these hackers are bad guys.
There’s no way this gameplay demo isn’t going to be more of the same. You can hack cars, disrupt people’s phones, and generally wander around and be an insufferable asshole. The visual design of this game looks great, but the *~vibe~* is really grating. In this demo, Marcus must stop the staff of a presidential candidate from deleting files and destroying hard drives with hammers.
WHERE ARE THE E-MAILS, HILLARY
One more game before the show closes, and no, it’s not Beyond Good and Evil, despite the recent trend of “hey we’re making that thing you thought we weren’t going to make” lending itself well to that. Instead, it’s a new IP mixing sports games with open world environments. Steep has some of the most satisfying crunch sounds when your character careens off path and collides with a tree.
And that’s the Ubisoft Conference. It was… overall, kinda rough. Most of the games shown did not demo well, with exception to Steep and For Honor. Wildlands looks promising. The new South Park game seems aggressively terrible. Watch_Dogs 2 keeps treading the line between being interesting and garbage, and the VR stuff did not show well at all. All that said, it was a better conference than what we’ve seen of Ubisoft in the past, and it was far above what they had last year.