Mr.Turtle Rock himself.

Mr.Turtle Rock himself.

Turtle Rock has announced that their class-based monster hunting shooter Evolve, which has been on life support ever since it released about a year ago, will be switching over to a free to play model. The switch over starts today, allowing people to access the game’s beta phase. That’s interesting. The game is in beta now even though it released completed last year. I guess that was just a closed pre-alpha. Very exclusive.

In addition, there will be several major tweaks to the game itself. To quote Turtle Rock:

  • We’re reworking the hunter classes to make the team less reliant on having experienced trappers and medics.
  • We’re making improvements to the maps and UI.
  • We’re improving load times, overall performance, and getting you into the game faster.
  • We’re focusing on improving stability and fixing bugs.
  • We’re completely reworking our progression system and tutorials.
  • We’re adding more customization options.

These are all changes that probably should have been made not too long after release. Then again, going F2P is also something that should have happened much sooner. The pacing for this is very turtle like, you could say they were so steadfast with their original model that they were not unlike a rock.

New players will not have the option to purchase content with real life money, at least not from the start, as Turtle Rock is still determining fair price points. They can, however, earn Silver Keys, a new in-game currency that will allow them to unlock monsters and classes. So what of those who actually bought the game like rubes when it released? Well, they’ll be given founder status, which entitles them to some special gifts and customization options. They will also retain all purchased content, but that’s kind of a no brainer.

In our review of Evolve we cited that some gameplay mechanics and a lack of content out of the box may deter players from sticking with Evolve, but in the interim Turtle Rock has pumped out some maps and modes for free, so there may be more for new players to bite off. Turtle Rock, on the other hand, mostly leans towards that whole “DLC shitstorm” (their phrasing) as being the reason Evolve never gave traction. Honestly, there’s probably quite a bit of truth to that too. Just how much they get out of changing their model waits to be seen.


It’s not really too shocking that Xbox Fitness is closing down, I’ve never even heard of the app until now, and I can’t imagine many people were going to it for their daily work out. However, it’s the manner in which the app is closing that is noteworthy.

Starting today, Xbox Fitness will no longer be available for purchase, though if you already have a copy, it’s accessible for another year (until June 30, 2017 to be precise.) Once this date passes, the application will no longer be accessible, period. Even if you paid full price. There was a Free With Gold version, which will be supported until December 15 of this year.

While this isn’t mind blowing, and will likely not impact a very significant chunk of Xbox’s total users, it’s still unfortunate that a product someone could have paid full price for may very well be yanked entirely. Just another example of a bleak “games as a service” future where nothing is definite, and certainly doesn’t last forever. Granted, the full closure date is so far off that there’s plenty of time for Microsoft to go back on their decision, but it seems rather unlikely.

The reveal trailer for Koei Temco’s Berserk Musou maybe leaned a bit too hard into the rapey aspects of Berserk. An accurate, if not a bit disarming representation of the source material they hope to adapt into a big dumb Dynasty Warrior-style game. Thankfully, the second trailer – while still leaning on the aforementioned rapey rape – features some actual gameplay. Sure enough, it looks like a Musou game, but for fans of the series it’s probably enough to get them invested leading up to the game’s late September release.

Ok, sure, Zoe Quinn is mostly known for being the genesis of the whole “gamergate” thing which I still don’t fully understand. She’s fairly (in)famous for this exact reason, as well as a pretty lengthy history of shrieking incessantly about things no grown human being should care about, so normally this kind of behavior wouldn’t warrant any further attention — but this is just too funny.

Zoe has published the following tweet, accompanied by two screenshots of the upcoming Paper Mario: Color Splash, a game that nobody, including Nintendo, seemed to remember was coming out:

[In case of deletion, it reads: “what the fuck did I ever do to you, Nintendo, that y’all had to make my suffering into a fucking joke”, with the screenshots saying “Let’s watch the Five Fun Guys dance and shuffle!” and “Man, is this gonna ruin my career?! I can see the headline now: ‘Shufflegate: Exposed!'”]

Zoe appears to view this as a direct attack against her, as if Watergate (and _______ -gate in general) wasn’t already media shorthand for any sort of scandal. Apparently, “Five Guys” was often used as a meme against Quinn, as she reportedly cheated on her boyfriend with five other men. Of course, the Watergate burglary was also committed by five men, and “Fun Guys” is a pretty obvious “fungi” pun. But nah, I’m sure Nintendo’s translators have a specific grudge against her.

Check her twitter timeline for more gems, including her railing against Nintendo for firing someone who was a literal prostitute, and thus criminal, as well as an advocate for pedophilia. Can’t say I’m too sad, or shocked, that a company like Nintendo wouldn’t want to be associated with that person.

Starting soon, here comes Sony with their batch of nonsense. Will Hideo Kojima show up? How much time will be dedicated to Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare (answer: too much)? Will we all die of old age while watching montages of mediocre-looking VR games? Here we gooooooooooo!

welcome to the 70th annual Tony awards

welcome to the 70th annual Tony awards


God of War 4 is being shown, with Kratos showing some kid how to hunt. Kratos has a beard, and the game is shown from an over-the-shoulder perspective now. It seems like an entirely different game, very much like the recent Tomb Raiders. I’m totally okay with that, especially with the implication that now Kratos will be murdering his way through the Norse pantheon.

Just called God of War. Reboots, they’re so hot right now!

Short trailer for DaysGone, a post-apocalyptic game about bikers?

Another short trailer for The Last Guardian, now with a date of October 25th, this year.

Also some gameplay of Horizon: Zero Dawn, which still looks super good.

Also some gameplay of Horizon: Zero Dawn, which still looks super good.

There’s also a bit for Detroit: Become Human, Quantic Dream’s latest over-promising disaster.

And now some sort of horror game, so I don’t care. Oh, it’s Resident EVIIl. EVIL. 7. Evil7. Killer7. It’s only on VR, apparently.


Some VR things, and some CoD: Infinite Warfare.

Then, Crash Bandicoot is teased, but it’s just remakes of 1, 2, and Warped, plus Crash is in the new Skylanders. George is currently in a murderous rage.

Lego Star Wars: The Force Awakens is out in a couple of weeks, in case you forgot.

Andrew House coming out to not talk about the Playstation NEO.


Kojima’s here to show the first thing from his NEW GAME!

It stars Norman Reedus, of P.T. fame, and is called Death Stranding.

It stars Norman Reedus, of P.T. fame, and is called Death Stranding. It also looks hella weird.

Insomniac is making a Spider-Man game that actually looks pretty cool.

Then there was a longer gameplay clip of DaysGone, and surprise, it’s a zombie game. Looks super boring, although the hordes of zombos and gollums look pretty good in motion.


THE END. George is still mad about Crash.


Astute viewers may have noticed that Crackdown 3 was not shown at Microsoft’s press conference earlier today. And there’s good reason. Developer Reagent Games has announced that Crackdown 3 will not be coming out until sometime in 2017. No reason for the delay was given, however they did confirm that it will be available on Xbox One AND Windows 10, much like the rest of Microsoft’s future releases.


Breaking: John Ubisoft found dead at his home. More as it becomes available.

The show is starting.





Just Dance 2017. Coming to the… NX!? Well there you go, first third party game announced for Nintendo’s new console.

“You know when you see a dancing crab and a baby bird with a collar, you can only be at the Ubisoft press conference.”

You got that right, Aisha.

Aisha is taking a moment to express Ubisoft’s condolences for those affected by the shooting in Orlando, and man, this is maybe not the most classy way to go about that, all surrounded by giraffes and crab men.


“You remember this came from the end of last year’s conference where it fucking blew your mind,” Aisha is being really presumptuous about how impressive I thought Ghost Recon Wildlands was.

Think of all the watch towers you can climb.

Think of all the watch towers you can climb.

The Ubisoft conference already seems to be run by people fucked out of their minds, so it feels appropriate that we’re getting a look at a game alllllll about drugs this early in the show.

Now for some gameplay, with scripted banter between players. You’d think they’d stop doing this because it’s fucking terrible, but nobody ever learns and here we all are in 2016 listening to it again.

Wildlands will be released March 7th, 2017, though I’d never put too much faith in E3 release windows.

Next up is South Park: The Fractured But Hole, a game I have virtually no interest in, but Matt and Trey’s bits are typically the most tolerable of Ubisoft’s conferences.

Trey Parker is also here to announce his pregnancy.

Trey Parker is also here to announce his pregnancy.

Trey is rambling something about getting a gay fish’s mom into heaven before backing down and going “if you didn’t see the Kanye thing you wouldn’t get it,” and boy. I take back what I said about the South Park bits being the most tolerable, this thing is rough.

The Fractured But Hole will come out December 6th.

Rolling right into some hot The Division updates after that overly long South Park demo. I never thought I’d look at the Division as a reprieve.

Coming to The Division is The Underground. There’s a new threat under the streets of New York city: CHUDS. As a Division agent you have to do what you do best, shoot indiscriminately. Ghost Recon, Splinter Cell, and Rainbow Six outfits are coming to the game as well.

Players will also have to brave “some of the most extreme weather conditions” in the Survival expansion, and by “most extreme” they mean moderate snowfall. I have literally braved worse than this while shoveling driveways.

Palmer Lucky unjacked himself from the Matrix to come here and talk to everyone about Eagle Flight VR.

Palmer Lucky unjacked himself from the Matrix to come here and talk to everyone about Eagle Flight VR.

Eagle Flight VR is a team-based sports game playable through the perspective of an eagle. It has local co-op, assuming you can find up to five other weirdos who actually own a Rift.

Aisha is back out here talking about how Eagle Flight made her pee a little. Welcome to Pee3.

There’s a Star Trek VR game in the works too. Like basically every other Star Trek game, I can’t imagine it’ll be anything other than profoundly boring, but the cast of Star Trek’s past sure seem to be way into it.

Despite my reservations about another Star Trek game, Levar's enthusiasm is infectious.

Despite my reservations about another Star Trek game, Levar’s enthusiasm is infectious.

There’s a new trailer for For Honor, a neat looking game that I forgot was in the works. Jason Vandenberghe is back on stage. He’s not visibly armed this time, though he does have a cane that COULD be housing some sort of blade, or at the very least a flask of Wild Turkey.

There’s a stage demo going on for For Honor, and so far it’s the best showing thing Ubisoft has going. The animations in this thing are really slick, it looks great, and combat seems pretty interesting. For Honor launches Feb 14 2017, same day as Persona 5. Fucking choices.

Yes, there is a sequel to Grow Home coming out, it’s called Grow Up.

This is one way to announce Trials Blood Dragon

This is one way to announce Trials Blood Dragon

The President of Finland is here to announce Trials of the Blood Dragon.



Trials of the Blood Dragon will be released as soon as the conference ends… 30 minutes. Son of a bitch, no. NO! THATS TOO LONG! Not to get at the game, but to sit through more of this shit!

Assassin’s Creed movie time. KILL ME. MURDER ME!

Producer Frank Marshall is here to talk about the film, but I can’t help but wonder what it would look like if Garry Marshall were attached to the project.

Deadsec from Watch_Dogs 2 are hacking the conference. Unfortunately they aren’t ending it. That’s how you know these hackers are bad guys.

There’s no way this gameplay demo isn’t going to be more of the same. You can hack cars, disrupt people’s phones, and generally wander around and be an insufferable asshole. The visual design of this game looks great, but the *~vibe~* is really grating. In this demo, Marcus must stop the staff of a presidential candidate from deleting files and destroying hard drives with hammers.



One more game before the show closes, and no, it’s not Beyond Good and Evil, despite the recent trend of “hey we’re making that thing you thought we weren’t going to make” lending itself well to that. Instead, it’s a new IP mixing sports games with open world environments. Steep has some of the most satisfying crunch sounds when your character careens off path and collides with a tree.


And that’s the Ubisoft Conference. It was… overall, kinda rough. Most of the games shown did not demo well, with exception to Steep and For Honor. Wildlands looks promising. The new South Park game seems aggressively terrible. Watch_Dogs 2 keeps treading the line between being interesting and garbage, and the VR stuff did not show well at all. All that said, it was a better conference than what we’ve seen of Ubisoft in the past, and it was far above what they had last year.


E3 is here, baby. If you thought the festivities began with EA and Bethesda, then you’re fucking WRONG. That was all just a prelude to the real shit. Microsoft’s conference is starting in just a handful of minutes (assuming it doesn’t start late), and we’ll be here to give you all the hot scoops as they happen.


Conference opening right up on a trailer for that leaked Xbox One S. The S will be 40% smaller than the core Xbox One, features 4k video, and will launch at 300$. Looks like a pretty good deal.


Gears 4 will be part of Microsoft’s Play Anywhere program, meaning when you buy the game you’ll get it on PC as well. Every mode will also feature cross play, including co-op.

A short gameplay demo was shown, but honestly, it’s just more Gears, there’s really nothing new beyond a gun that reminds me a lot of the line launcher from Dead Space.

There's also a new Elite controller coming out to commemorate the game, if dumb looking controllers are your thing.

There’s also a new Elite controller coming out to commemorate the game, if dumb looking controllers are your thing.

And if that wasn’t enough Gears for you, General Raam will be coming to Killer Instinct this week.

Ralph Fulton came out and welcomed us all to Australia. E3 is in California, you dingus.

Haha just kidding, he’s here to talk about Forza Horizon 3, with the help of some sad sack who invested way too damn much money into racing peripherals.

Look at this fuckin nerd.

Look at this fuckin nerd.

One of the players in this demo is driving an “airborne jeep” which is just a jeep strapped to a helicopter all flying around like “fuck you, assholes!” Forza will be coming out December 27th for Xbox One and Windows 10.

A new trailer for Recore was shown, a game that looks deceptively good for something coming out of Comcept, the studio behind notable shitpile Mighty No.9. It seems like Recore is what they’re putting all their effort into, but only time (and numerous delays, I’m sure) will tell.

And now it’s time for some Final Fantasy XV.


This might actually be the worst stage demo I’ve seen for this game, and it’s hands down the worst out of any demo at E3 so far. Noctis and company are trying to cut off the arm of a titan, a massive boss that can’t seem to be captured on screen all at once. It sounds like it’d make for a really intimidating fight, but… he just kinda sweeps his arm back and forth across the arena and that’s it. Noctis comes pretty close to biting it a few times inbetween bouts of ineffectually smacking the boss’s hand. Eventually, the player whittles down the Titan’s HP enough that he triggers a short cutscene of Noctis’s party freezing the boss’s arm, which then rolls right into a prompt to hit the B button to finish it off. How dynamic.

It’s a good thing for Square that Persona 5 won’t release stateside until early 2017.

More content is coming to The Division. Not coming to The Division: balancing and exploit patches to make it fucking playable.

Microsoft will continue to expand on Xbox One features by adding background music options so you can play your favorite songs during any game, and the option to change your console’s language. Finally, now I can have an Italian Xbox, but I’m not Italian at all!

Xbox: Bing: Spaghetti and meatballs.

You can also create clubs, a feature that has been available on Steam and PS4 for quite a while. An “Arena” feature was also announced, though the details on it are kind of nebulous.



Surprise John Carmack appearance, motherfuckers! He’s digitized himself and has invaded your Minecraft realm! I hope the Creeps don’t get him, when you die in VR you die in real life.

It’s time for the Indie cavalcade. Your yearly montage of smaller budget games to show that Microsoft Cares™. I don’t think anybody told John Carmack that Minecraft is over, he’s still sitting there plugged in.

Heeyyyyy good news if you bought Ark on Xbox One you’ll get it on PC, ohhhhh boyyy, it’s Ark, everybody, ARK!

Next up is We Happy Few. I don’t know much about this game. A guy looks at a newspaper clipping, forces himself to not take medication, and then breaks down after having some kind of existential crisis. Looks fun!

Everyone is standing around hitting a pinata, but given how eerie this trailer has been, I bet when you smack it, it bursts open and blood sprays out and there’s like a dead animal inside.

ahahahah son of a bitch

ahahahah son of a bitch

And now a game from a “very independent developer.” Cut to a guy who looks EXACTLY like Nick Smith cosplaying as a knight. Could it be? Is Platform Masters coming to Xbox One?


No, turns out that’s not Nick Smith, this is just an ad for a stand alone version of Gwent. That’s cool, but you can’t bring me up like that just to cap me at the knees, Microsoft.

If, like most of us, Gwent is all you live for, you can register for the beta now.

Street Fighter x Tekken is being shown, with Akuma vs. Heihachi. I didn’t know how badly I needed this until now. Just two old dudes shouting in Japanese and punching the shit out of each other. My money is on Akuma. If Saltybet has taught me anything, it’s a safe bet.

Katsuhiro Harada, everybody

Katsuhiro Harada, everybody

It’s snowing in the auditorium! Is this the result of John Carmack merging with the digital plain, distorting our own reality? Or has Harada activated his sinister weather device?

No, it’s the reveal for Dead Rising 4, which will take place during christmas time and will once again be set in a mall. DR4 will be coming out November 2016.


“Killer Instinct.”

Uh oh, I think someone let that chick from the Bethesda conference in here.


Aw shit, son. Scalebound! Kamiya is here to show us “the biggest boss fight Platinum Games has ever made” and to block us all on Twitter.

Ok here it is, the biggest of all time.

Ok here it is, the biggest of all time.

So far, Scalebound looks like a very Platinum Studios take on Monster Hunter, which is everything I could possibly want from this. I’m cautiously optimistic for now.

Scalebound will, like basically all the games shown thus far, be coming to both Xbox One and Windows 10. I might have missed it, but I don’t think they announced if it would feature crossplay.


Sea of Thieves is Rare’s new pirate game, their “most ambitious game yet.” I’m not entirely sure if that’s true in the grand scheme of things, but from this iteration of the studio, who have until now mostly pumped out absolute garbage for the Kinect, it certainly must be.

I know nothing about this game other than people sure seem to love screaming over it.

I know nothing about this game other than people sure seem to love screaming over it.

It’s not enough to have one zombie game at this conference, so here’s a State of Decay 2 trailer. Of Course, this is followed up by a trailer for Halo Wars 2, keeping the tradition of Halo trailers being really awesome, and – more likely than not – way better than the final product ever could be. Halo Wars 2 will launch Feb 2017, with a week long beta starting on Xbox One right now.

Phil Spencer is back on stage, and it’s time for the biggest announcement of the evening: Playstation 4 Neo!

Wait, no. Project Scorpio, Microsoft’s answer to the Neo, which will be geared towards 4k and VR. Here to talk about Xbox VR is John Carmack’s husk.

“These are the highest quality pixels you’ve ever seen.”
“The highest res.”

Phil assures us that with 6 teraflops of power, it will be the most powerful console on the market. Games and products will work between all THREE versions of the Xbox One (the S counts.) However, until the Neo is shown off in full, and specs are released by Sony directly, I’ll rerserve judgement on which is the ~most powerful~. As if that truly matters to begin with, because in the end it boils down to whether or not there’s anything worth playing.

I think Microsoft knows they’ve lagged behind in almost every conceivable way. Their hardware isn’t where it needs to be, they’ve been lacking key features, and they’ve been struggling to find a real hook for their console ever since the massive negative reaction they were met with when leaning in on the TV thing. S looks like a good stop gap, and Scorpio looks to be Microsoft’s solution, but time will tell how it will all pan out.

Coming up in a couple hours is Ubisoft. I’m sure that’ll be a real banger. Join us for more live coverage, and watch as I sink even deeper into the abyss.

Rumors have been going around for the last week that a new Berserk game in the style of Dynasty Warrior might be on its way. Looks like those rumors have turned out to be true. A Berserk musou is happening, although for now all we have is a trailer that gets dangerously close to just being tentacle porn.

The timing is pretty good considering the manga resumes publication later this month, and a new anime will be hitting Japanese TV and Crunchyroll on July 1st.

Not a fan of Bethesda's new logo.

Not a fan of Bethesda’s new logo.

Besides absolutely killed it with DOOM, although the lion’s share of that game’s success is owed to Id. Beyond that, it’s no secret that I’m not exactly the biggest fan of Bethesda. Will they be able to pull out something that actually gets me excited by the end of their conference? Join me and find out. This is your E3 2016 Bethesda media briefing live blog assfuck jamboree.


AW SHIT, Quake is back.

Quake Champions is a arena style FPS for the PC. They’re going out of their way to impress that the game will move fast, have an unlocked framerate, and will look crazy good. Consider how great DOOM was, bringing Quake back is the exact right thing to do, and a hell of a good way to start the show. It’s all down hill from here, I’m sure.

Ooh, we got unlocked FPS, ooh we got badass characters. You're gonna love my game.

Ooh, we got unlocked FPS, ooh we got badass characters. You’re gonna love my game.


Rolling right into Elder Scrolls Legends, so, great. To be fair, following up Quake Legends wasn’t going to be easy. And then the stream crashed, completely. So I think even it didn’t have any patience for this wanna be Hearthstone bullshit.

This dude has a sick talking owl, though.

This dude has a sick talking owl, though.

Legends will be coming to ipad, Mac, phones, and basically everything else later this year.


Bethesda will be doubling down on Fallout 4‘s shittiest content by offering such hot new base building mechanics like elevators, and conveyor belts. Wowee. Ohhhh boy. You can make tracks and build your own dumbass Rube Goldberg machine. And if that’s not enough to satisfy you, you can now build your own vault.

Oh and that remaster of Skyrim everyone totally knew was happening is happening. The remaster will include improvements to lighting, shaders, depth of field, and will have mod support on console. Essentially everything that was rumored to be in the update. It does look pretty good, but under that shiny new surface, it’s still the same Skyrim. Whether or not that’s worth the investment is up to you.




Good news everyone, the press sneak fucks couldn’t stop Prey 2 from becoming a thing. Well, ok, maybe a little bit. Prey looks to be getting the reboot treatment, so while it’s not Prey 2 exactly, it’s still a new Prey.

I pray it won't get delayed. Get it? Cause it's Prey. Rate this joke on a scale of 1-10, send your response to

I pray it won’t get delayed. Get it? Cause it’s Prey. Rate this joke on a scale of 1-10, send your response to

DOOM‘s first level will be free for everybody for this week only on all systems, so go download that, cause DOOM is such a good game. It’ssuchagood game. They’re saying it harkens back to DOOM’s shareware days, even though it’s really… just a timed demo, but whatever. DOOM will also get a few new maps and an additional demon for multiplayer mode, but nobody in their right mind cares about that. Not even me, and I kinda like DOOM’s multiplayer.

Matt Thyroid is here to tell everyone about how great The Elder Scrolls Online is doing, so if you don’t mind I’m going to go get something to eat.

“As you can see, the community loves playing Elder Scrolls Online”

“Hell yeah” yells some girl who is OBVIOUSLY A MARK.

A Dark Brotherhood expansion will be coming to The Elder Scrolls Online. The same woman from before is losing her motherfucking mind about this video game.

“All content barriers are gone.”

This woman.

But, yes, as soon as you leave the tutorial you’ll now be able to go anywhere. That’s probably very neat for people who care about this game, like this psychopath in the audience.


Blink 182 will also be dropping their new album after the show and putting on a little performance. Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb are here, and I think I might have slipped into a time hole to 2002.


Bethesda will be offering VR support for both DOOM and Fallout 4, I am excited for exactly one of those. If the promise of VR is playing DOOM in VR, then I’m on fucking board. Now let’s catch up with Adam and Morgan.



Dishonored 2, which we’re now getting to see quite a bit more gameplay of, looks pretty great.


There’s a lot going on here, but the gameplay demo will likely be up on youtube within a couple hours of the conference ending. Rather than drone out all the details, we’ll post gameplay footage once it’s available.

Dishonored 2 will have a limited edition that comes with a replica of Corvo’s mask. If you pre-order the game now you can also get a free copy of the original game with all the DLC.


And that’s the Bethesda conference. Overall, prettyyy prettyyyy prettyyyyyy good, a clear leap ahead of last year’s show. Granted, last year was almost entirely Fallout 4, which does nothing for me. But throwing out some hot Dishonored gameplay, rebooting Prey, announcing a new Quake, and announcing that DOOM will get VR support are all be pluses.

We’ll be back tomorrow with more live blogging. It’s Sony and Microsoft’s turn to show off what they’ve got, and Ubisoft will surely have a total fucking disaster on their hands like they do every year. So stay tuned, because tomorrow is when E3 truly begins.